When You Never Planned to Be a Caregiver

If you're like me, you never planned to be a caregiver. You probably never went to medical school, and when asked as a child what you wanted to be when you grew up, you didn't respond with, "I want to be a caregiver."

Suddenly becoming a caregiver

Many of us have caregiving thrown at us without any warning. Suddenly, our life changes. For me, it was like a tornado that picked me up, tossed me around, and dropped me into an uncharted, alien world, all in about 5 seconds. 1 minute, I was working on an album I'd wanted to record for years, and the next, all that was over.

Learning about metastatic breast cancer

I had to quickly learn everything I could about metastatic breast cancer, its complications, and its treatments. I knew virtually nothing when my caregiving duties began. My knowledge base swiftly increased to include mastectomy, radiation, chemotherapy, dietary changes, and so much more.

I had no time to feel sorry for myself or entertain self-doubt. Time became out of step, without comforting anchors. Suddenly, I had to be strong. I had to take charge when that wasn't in my nature.

How I took care of my wife

There never was a question about my taking care of my wife Lynette when she received her diagnosis of breast cancer. No way would she feel alone through any stage of her cancer journey. Not on my watch.

I'd be there for her with anything she needed, be it a Dr. Pepper from the nearest drive-thru or holding her hand through palliative care. Occasionally, I gave her manicures and pedicures. "In sickness and in health," as we promise.

Caregiving is emotional

Because I'd been my parents' caregiver in their turn, I knew about the emotional roller coaster and the exhaustion. I learned about colorectal cancer and stroke, but I just didn't know about breast cancer.

After Lynette's breast cancer metastasized to her stomach, bones, and liver, a whole new level of caregiver education presented itself. I learned about palliative and hospice care, including administering morphine and other medications that kept her comfortable.

I also learned about letting go, although I can't say I mastered that one. It's doubtful that any of us do.

Reality shifted my expectations

Although I never planned to be a caregiver, I knew that someday I'd have to take care of my parents. It seemed like a long time into the future, so I never considered it.

I never expected I'd ever take care of my wife, though. Because I was nearly 10 years older than her, we believed I'd be the first to go. We both felt shaken to the core when the truth hit us.

What's the hardest part about being a caregiver?

The hardest thing about caregiving—for me, anyway—was realizing there was no happy ending. While the prognosis varies among individuals, in advanced breast cancer, professionals use the "5-year survival rate" as a marker for prognosis. Sometimes people surpass the 5-year mark, but many don't. Many, like my wife, don't make it. No one fully prepares you for that.

Doing your best for your loved ones

You never planned to be a caregiver, but here you are, doing your best, working long hours, missing your old way of life, and feeling confused and frightened. But never forget that while you take care of someone you love, your tenderness, kindness, and faithfulness mean everything to them.