A Caregiver's Christmas Memories

If there's anything my late wife, Lynette, loved, it was the winter holidays. She had a real flair for decorating, baking, cooking, and hosting, and I loved watching her as she went about doing the things she loved to do every year. Regardless of how unwell she grew those last few years, she created beautiful Christmas memories.

Our winter holidays

Christmas wonderland

Before she got breast cancer, she created a beautifully decorated holiday home for us. I mean, she went all out. With all the bins we had, it was almost like moving in and out of the house each year. Away went the everyday things, and out came the decorations. From Christmas dishes to bows and holly to an ornament-laden tree, she turned our home into a Christmas wonderland every year.

She worked her magic

While I cooked the everyday meals throughout the year, her thing was holiday cooking and baking. I'm the kind of person who, once I've begun decorating for the holidays, I can't wait for it to be finished. Lynette, on the other hand, worked her magic slowly and deliberately. With perfectly formed plaid bows, department store-worthy gift wrapping, and holiday cards in her elegant handwriting, she genuinely enjoyed every bit of it.

Christmas shopping

During her last Christmas, however, she didn't have the energy, so, of course, I did it. I still see her sitting in her chair attaching hooks to the ornaments and placing them on the table I set up for her. It was all she could manage, but she did it. She wasn't about to have Christmas without doing something! I knew it was hard for her.

She loved Christmas shopping, but couldn't do it, so she ordered gifts online. Most people shop this way these days, but she enjoyed going out and hitting the stores, where Christmas music poured from the speakers. She loved that as well, and she filled our home every year with Christmas music, from Windham Hill instrumentals to the Rat Pack Christmas standards.

Jelly beans and chemo

To tell the truth, I don't remember all that much about our last Christmas together. It was an especially busy time for me as her caregiver. I remember that she ordered a huge, meter-long box of gourmet jelly beans to give to the nurses at the cancer center. Always giving, even when she had so little energy. I also remember that we got ourselves silly Christmas sweaters, and wore them to her chemo treatments. As sick as she was, she liked giving the nurses a reason to smile.

A new heart each year

One of the hardest things for me is hanging the heart-shaped ornaments that we bought each year. I miss the holidays without her. I decorate and bake, and all that, but it's not the same. Thankfully, she left me with enough Christmas memories to last the rest of my life. And each year that she's gone, it will get a little easier, I hope. I didn't buy a new heart this year and it felt strange. It just couldn't replace my old broken one.