Missing the Person You Were Before Cancer

I miss my old self; at least, I miss the person I used to be before cancer—the person without pain, anxiety, and worry. I miss the person who didn't spend most of their time at the doctor's office.

Now, don't get me wrong, before cancer, I still had doctor's appointments, and I still had worry and anxiety, but it wasn't my whole life as it is now.

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I miss the me before metastatic breast cancer

So, I miss the old me. I miss the girl who could wake up and go for a run, the girl who could eat whatever she wanted and not have to worry, the girl who could go to the beach all day and not feel like she was dying in the sun.

I miss being carefree. I look at others who are living their lives freely and not a prisoner of metastatic breast cancer, and I get jealous. I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I used to be that carefree girl. Even though I may look healthy or like I can do most things, it can be a facade.

Good days and bad days

Most days, I can barely get out of bed; if I do, it's to move to the couch. There are good days and bad days. So how do we become like the person we were before cancer? Is that even possible? How can that be possible when all I think about is my cancer and my whole life revolves around it?

Connecting to gratitude

First, let's start with feeling sorry for ourselves. It's too easy with a disease like advanced breast cancer to feel sorry for yourself and then end up spending the day in bed wishing you were someone else. So you have to get up in the morning no matter what, even if it's just to come out and make yourself a cup of tea, and then sit on the porch or in the front yard and look at the birds. Going outside at least once a day to remember how beautiful life is can be helpful to me. The sun, the clouds, the trees, and the birds are all a beautiful part of life.

Secondly, be thankful for what you do have. Make a list of all the things to be grateful for, no matter how small. It may feel like there's nothing to be thankful for, but there is always something to be grateful for—food, water, sunshine, friends, family, etc.

Comparing yourself to others

Lastly, do not compare your life to anyone else's life. You may see people out and about doing things and looking happy, but they likely have problems, too. They may not be as extreme as our problems, but they may be dealing with depression, anxiety, abusive spouses, or sicknesses that we can't see. You never know, so don't compare yourself to anybody else.

Don't let the world leave you behind and make you feel you are not part of it. Don't miss the person you used to be. Realize that you are a new person, a strong person, someone that other people look up to. You are purposeful in this life.

Do you ever miss the person that you used to be?