Parenting These Days: Managing Emotions Among Cancer

I put my 7-year-old in school this year. A significant life event I never in my wildest dreams thought I would one day see. For many reasons, of course, other than just the cancer.

Unknowns after metastatic breast cancer diagnosis

When I first got diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, I didn't know how long I had to live. There are various estimations of 5-year survival rates based on the stage of cancer. I also knew I had a huge surgery coming up, and I was told many different opinions about it and its potential impact on my health. The one thing that rang constantly in my head was how I should get my stuff in order before going in for surgery.

Every time I looked at my kid, my heart would break. I didn't know if I would see her lose her first tooth. I didn't know if I would be around to watch her walk into school by herself. Nobody knew if I would be here to watch her grow into the person she is today.

Changes in our family

This year, we've started living. We are planning trips and events in advance, expanding our knowledge, and accomplishing our dream of moving across the country. My family and I have forged the path we want to follow this year, and we have been fortunate to have the ability to do so.

When I met my partner, I was a single parent. Over the last few years, as our family has woven together, our individual parenting styles have changed a lot. We are also navigating different challenges as an immunocompromised household.

Public school and working with teachers

With our child in public school, we realize that parenting styles differ from teaching styles, and that's always interesting to navigate. For one, the student drop-off line is quite something to wait around in the morning. And let's not forget everyone's favorite part about public school: the time of year when seemingly everyone is sick. My immune system has never been all that great, and getting sick really stinks.

So far in the school year, developing a relationship with our child's teacher has been meaningful. I decided what to tell my child about my health and how to word it. It is hard to know exactly what to say when this time comes, but the critical point is sharing what you're comfortable with. You can share as much or as little as you would like, and there are ways to work on an education plan with your kiddo's teacher. Communication should be open and easy to access!

Emotional regulation

Our kiddo also has different needs than many other kids. Emotional regulation is a big theme in our household. As parents, we work with our therapists and our child's therapist to find what works best for our family. This helps us as parents and helps our child navigate emotions and communicate them effectively.

Some tips for regulating emotions include taking our time, checking in with our bodies, and deep breathing. These are just some ways we try to control our emotions when we feel unregulated.

Letting kids be kids

Our family's life is different from many others', so it's essential to supply our kiddo with the tools she needs to navigate the world. Right now, we are just focusing on giving her as normal a life as possible for as long as possible.

Some days, she easily communicates her needs and is fine with taking the space she deserves. Other days, she has a more challenging time, and that's okay. She is just a kid, after all. Letting her be that goofy, artistic, and vibrant kid is my top priority right now.

Identify your parenting priorities

I think it's important to examine what is the most important to you when it comes to parenting with cancer. There are going to be days where you nail it, and you and your kid are smiling and communicating and getting along. There are also days where you are floundering, trying to get through to your kid, and your kid is struggling to get through to you. Some days are treatment days, so those days will be slightly more relaxed. Or at least, you hope they will.

It's probably safe to assume that nobody wants to navigate metastatic breast cancer while being a parent. It's certainly not ideal. Sometimes, it's just the hand we are dealt. It's how we choose to do it that really matters.