MBC Dancer

By lisanem57

1 min read

I was first diagnosed in 2001 with breast cancer and treated with chemo and radiation. In 2012 I had another lump and had a DIEP flap procedure. In 2013 I was diagnosed with bone mets, everywhere. Despite hormone and chemo treatments I worked and attended grad school full time. I’m a nurse and felt being a superhero was more important than caring for myself. One day, I just stopped, went on disability from work and completed my Ph.D. After now having liver mets I now try hard to live in the present. I learned I cannot fight this disease and don’t want to fight. What I try hard to do is to follow cancer as though we were dancing, living through the low dips and finding joy in the twirls. I made a choice to find joy in life, appreciate what I have, and live in the now. One day I may be told that I have no treatment options but that day is not today. Today is good, very good.

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lisanem57 Member
I’m having a rough time emotionally since my discharge from MSKCC and felt the need to write it down. I’m not sure if I should share this with the group because it’s dark and I do not want to upset anyone. I really need to get this out and I don’t know anyone else I can turn to at this time. I’m feeling sorry for myself which is new for me and repugnant to me. I’ve fought to not slide into the “poor me” or “why me” feelings for almost 20 years. This hospital stay, the time spent in the dental chair getting super sensitive and painful teeth drilled down reminded me of the times where I was forced to do painful but necessary procedures. The time I had a 2 hour mammo with needles sticking in and out of my breast so the surgeon could identify the spot to remove, the multiple times i had bone biopsies when no pain medication in the world unless it was general anesthesia would help. The time I woke up from my lumpectomy while the surgeon was closing me up, and the spasms from Taxol that would last for hours. These are just a few of the times that I feel I was tortured. I know these procedures and occurrences are not mutually exclusive to me or to cancer, but I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself. Today I have a PET scan and I dread the results. I know this “poor me” will not last long but for now I’ll just roll with it. I’m not superman, I’m tired, but I know this won’t last forever.
1. Amani Abdallah Community Admin
 Lisa, I am so sorry you are having a rough time emotionally. I am happy you felt comfortable sharing how you were feeling even if you felt like you were writing from a "poor me" place. This is always a safe space for you to share the good, the bad, the ugly, & the in between. Dreading results after a PET scan is so normal. Just want to make sure YOU know that this community gets it. We'll always be here for you through this awful nightmare. I am going to direct message you to check on you. I am sending you love. I hope you woke up feeling better today. Best, Amani (AdvancedBreastCancer.net Team)
2. Amani Abdallah Community Admin
 Hey Lisa, I wanted to check in on you. How are you feeling this week? How did the PET scan go? Thinking about you<3 Best, Amani (AdvancedBreastCancer.net team)