The Reality of Life as a Thriver

A thriver’s life begins in the most surreal way. It is changed by four small words: “you have metastatic cancer”. This means lesions have been seen somewhere else in the body other than the primary cancer source. Some women are diagnosed “de novo” (meaning metastatic right out of the gate), while others have lived years with NED (no evidence of disease).

Both women have the same first thought: “My family, how will I tell them?” and “This can’t be real”. In reality, they already knew before those four words were uttered that something was off. They listened to their bodies; they knew something was amiss.

Living with metastatic breast cancer

Some days are easier than others. Some days they live and move through the day with little thought of their diagnosis. Other days, they struggle to put one foot in front of the other. If you ask how they are doing, they will say “I am okay”, “I am fine”, or “I am good”. They mean it. But, behind the phrase and even a smile, there is some worry and maybe some concern.

They want to go back to the day before the diagnosis or confirmation of their suspicions and just have a day without knowing. They want one more day of innocence.

A new perspective

This diagnosis puts life into perspective. It makes you want to make as many memories as possible. It makes you search for laughter every day. It makes you want to find a cure for a disease that takes so many daughters, sisters, mothers, cousins, friends, aunts, and grandmothers.

It allows you to see and feel the smallest of things. It could be something as simple as the tiniest bird chirping, the crease in someone’s smile, the twinkle in their eyes, the sound of a genuine laugh, the wind across your face, the beauty of changing seasons, or the warmth of the touch from someone you love and treasure.

The fear of "what if"

Women in these circles often share the fear of “what if**.” They ask, "What if this is the last time I will do this?” or “Is this my last holiday?”. Many women do not buy new things for themselves after diagnosis. It takes months or even years for them to learn to just live in the moment. Sometimes, they even forget to breathe.

I have seen many women pour themselves into what they feel is their purpose with a passion for life that cannot be matched. They do not want to waste a moment of time; they need to make a difference. They need to leave the world a better place.

They want to be seen and heard, and they long to be understood by those closest to them. These women build bonds across the miles because someone else is living under similar circumstances and understands when today is not a good day.

They understand the feeling of “scanxiety” and that while waiting for results, a minute can feel like a lifetime. On the good days, the hours seem like minutes. The act of balancing time leaves much to be desired. They want to advocate for metastatic breast cancer awareness, but they also want to put it in the back of their minds and be in the moment with family.

Supporting a thriver

If you are lucky enough to know one of these amazing ladies, slow down and listen. She will share perspectives of her journey that can be life-changing. You will learn to embrace the simplest of acts. You will want to find a balance between work and home life. You will want to see the beauty of the world through her eyes. Yet, she just wants you to appreciate what you have and those you love. She wants you to “be in the moment”. She wants you to live in peace.

She hopes you will never be close to the disease. Did you know when she was diagnosed, they gave her statistics? She doesn’t give a damn about those statistics; she wants to be more than a ribbon or a number. She will give life her best effort at being normal. What is normal? I think normal is crazy with a lot of love and kindness. She needs everyone to rally and support her, but some will not know how. She understands some will need to distance themselves to protect their wellbeing; she finds a way to be okay with space.

There is no manual for how to live with a stage IV diagnosis or how to support someone you love. The thing is, if we really love and live life humbly, what changes after the diagnosis? She wishes someone had that answer.

The reality of treatment

If she chooses treatment, there are things you should know. The treatment is the easy part of her journey. It is the side effects that take their toll. Some of them you can see, but most are locked inside of her. She will smile through the aches and pains; she will say she is ok, but some days fear is lurking under the surface. Superheroes are human too.

Many women share that each new ache and pain will take them to a dark place, but they find a way to live in the light. Rest assured, she will not leave anything left unsaid. She will be the one that will be honest even if it hurts because she wants you to know the truth. She does not want to take one word with her. Know her new routine is “scan, treat, and repeat”. She will have to be on medications forever to enjoy her journey.

No one promised it would be easy, but I bet if you asked her, she would say, “Every ache and pain is a choice to be here with you and is very much worth it.”

Leaving behind a legacy

If she connects with someone going through these same challenges, embrace these relationships as they are what keep her grounded and help her feel understood. If you have one of these earthly angels in your circle, cherish her. When you are busy making memories, take a second and watch the admiration and love in her eyes.

She will carry the simplest acts of kindness, love, and the sound of laughter with her on the hardest of her days.

Her goal is to leave a legacy that spreads love and kindness. Her hope is to live a life full of joy and peace for many more years to come.