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A person looks down at their open hands, with two handfuls of pills

Failed Attempt

Content warning: The following article mentions details surrounding the author’s experiences with self-harm, which may be upsetting for some readers. Please know that there are many resources available for support including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) and online chat.

On a fairly recent visit to the doctor, she looked at me with a great bit of concern. She took a deep breath, and with water-filled eyes, she began to read off a list of things that my recent PET scan and blood work had revealed. As she read off the list I felt a small lump that was beginning to form in my throat. I felt my eyes misting slightly, but I had to pull it together. So I did.

After she read this grocery list of all things wrong, she looked at me, and with certainty, she said: "You’re going to be okay. I can’t tell you when, but you’re going to be just fine. You have a long road ahead of you, but we’re going to deal with one issue at a time." She then wrote a note and said she was sending me to the hospital.

Reminiscing

So, I go to the hospital. The doctor looked at the note and said, "I don’t know why she sent you here. There’s a lot of stuff that you have going on, and there’s nothing we can do. You need to go to your oncologist."

I listened to what he had to say, and my husband and I left. Instead of going to my oncologist we went home. I took a shower and I laid down. Lying in my bed I began to reminisce about my life. I thought about all of the things that I’d done and all of the things I had yet to do.

Feeling so alone

I had been there for everyone else, but I had forgotten about me. I thought about my current health issues and how I had been strong for so long, but now everything was weighing on me. I knew that I had an awesome support system, but at that moment I felt all alone and like I didn’t matter.

I convinced myself that people would grieve a few days a week at the most and then it would be business as usual. So I grabbed a glass of water, and I took some pills, I waited for about ten minutes later and I took some more. You never take them all at once.

I felt my head getting heavy, and I lay down. I could feel the bed closing in on me. I felt my body sink further and further into the bed. My breathing was now more like panting, shallow, silent whispers of breath. And then there was nothing.

I could feel my spirit leave my body. I saw my lifeless body lying still on the bed. Suddenly, I was in a tunnel filled with water. I saw a dim light at the end of the tunnel. I heard a loud but still, a voice say to me, "It’s not your time, go back." Without another word, I felt a large hand grab me and snatch me out of the tunnel. I felt my spirit go back into my body. My spirit had made its way of escape quickly; its return was just as swift.

Coming back into focus

I awakened to a drowsy and limp type of existence. I couldn’t move. However, through fuzzy and blurred vision, I could see that I was in my bedroom. What seemed like forever was only twelve hours. When I was fully awake I realized that God had saved me and that I truly had dodged a huge bullet.

So when you look at people who try to commit suicide or someone who’s successful at ending their earthly lives, and you think that they’re weak, a coward, or have mental issues, think again. That might not always be the case. They might just be tired of their journey.

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This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The AdvancedBreastCancer.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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