Love in the First Degree

Caring for a partner with metastatic breast cancer affects everyone differently. You will change if you're called upon to be a caregiver, whether that call is silent or not. You will step up to the challenge, or you won't. I'm not casting judgment here; I'm just telling you the call will force change on you, whatever that change is.

Taking vows in sickness and in health

If you're married, the vows, "In sickness and in health," strike deeply. Most likely, when you made that vow, you never considered the inevitability of it. The words somehow got muffled in peau de soie and lace. Who wants to think about getting old or sick on our wedding day? Because Lynette and I married later in life, in middle age, we took it to heart. We knew that sooner or later, one of us would most likely fall ill.

Stepping into a caregiver role for my partner

When we received Lynette's initial diagnosis of breast cancer, we remained pretty positive, hoping that surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation would get rid of it. 2 years later, the breast cancer had metastasized, and the game changed.

We knew it was wedding vow crunch time. Would I be there for her? After being a caregiver to my mother and father, each in their turn, would I shrink from the responsibility? Was I too spent?

Doing my best for my partner with MBC

In my heart and mind, there never was any question. I was there for the long haul and would see Lynette through whatever the future held. Knowing, however, that her mother had died of metastatic breast cancer, I feared that the "until death do us part" section of the vows would come sooner than we'd hoped.

I don't like to say that I made a conscious decision when I stepped fully up to the plate and put into action my firm belief that love is a verb, that it's something you do. There was never any question, of course, but I still had to decide to do my very best for her. The thing is, as she grew sicker and sicker, my feelings only grew. No self-applause here; I simply loved her.

What is love in the first degree?

We might not be able to decide whether or not we will be a caregiver, but how we care is a decision. I call this "love in the first degree." It's knowing what I should do was what I wanted to do. It might have been a given, but I still had to decide every day to provide Lynette with the best of my love, even when I was tired, sick, or depressed.

That part was the conscious decision. It can be challenging for many. Sometimes, it wasn't easy for me, but now that Lynette is gone, I feel I did my best most of the time.

Nobody expects perfection in caregiving

Could I have been a better caregiver and partner? Probably, but I'm only human, and no one expected perfection of me, not even my wife. Sometimes, the best form of self-care is giving yourself a pat on the back.

I believe that 2 of life's most important questions are who do we love, and how well do we love them. And making a conscious decision to give "love in the first degree" is the most rewarding thing we'll ever experience.